Blame is a Dangerous Habit

Have you ever found yourself thinking…

“If that hadn't happened, things would be different.”

“If they would just do their part, I could do mine.”

“If my circumstances were different, I wouldn't be in this situation.”

We all do it.

Sometimes it's obvious. Sometimes it's so subtle that we don't even realize we're doing it.

We complain. We point fingers. We explain why something happened. We look outside ourselves for the reason we're frustrated, disappointed, stuck, or unhappy.

And while we're focused on everything outside of us, we can accidentally give away the one thing we actually have the most control over:

Our own response.

Blame can become a dream stealer

This doesn't mean that circumstances don't matter.

They do.

Other people make choices. Unexpected things happen. Life throws things at us that we absolutely did not choose.

But there's an important question we can ask even when something wasn't our fault:

What can I do differently?

That's a completely different question than:

“Whose fault is this?”

When we're focused on blame, we're looking backward for someone or something to explain what happened.

When we're focused on responsibility, we're looking forward and asking:

What can I learn from this?

What part of this can I own?

What can I do differently next time?

That's where our power comes back.

Taking responsibility doesn't mean beating yourself up

This is an important distinction.

Taking responsibility doesn't mean deciding that everything is your fault.

It doesn't mean criticizing yourself, judging yourself, or finding another reason to beat yourself up.

It's actually the opposite.

It's about recognizing where you do have influence.

Maybe you could have asked a different question.

Maybe you could have made a different choice.

Maybe you could have slowed down.

Maybe you could have communicated differently.

Maybe you could have noticed a pattern sooner.

Maybe there's simply a different way to think about the situation.

That's not blame.

That's ownership.

And ownership gives us options.

The moped lesson

I shared a story in this week's Tuesday Talk about an accident my youngest son had on his moped.

Afterward, there were plenty of things he could point to as the reason it happened—the rain, the lightning, plans being canceled, what another person did, and everything else surrounding the situation.

But as long as he was focused on those things, he wasn't learning from what happened.

The more useful question was:

What could you have done differently?

Because there were choices he had made that were within his control.

And if he could recognize those choices, he could learn from the experience and make a different choice the next time.

That's the whole point.

Not punishment.

Not blame.

Learning.

We do the same thing as adults

I've seen this in my own life, and I've seen it in people I've supervised.

When something goes wrong, it's incredibly easy to explain why it wasn't our fault.

Someone else didn't do their part.

We didn't have enough information.

The circumstances weren't right.

Nobody told us.

We didn't have enough time.

And maybe all of those things are true.

But if that's where the conversation ends, we've missed the opportunity to learn.

Instead, try asking:

“If this exact situation happened again, what could I do differently?”

Not what could they do differently.

Not what would have to change around you.

What could you do differently?

That question puts you back in the driver's seat.

And then there's autopilot…

Here's where this gets even more interesting.

Our brains love familiar patterns.

If we're used to complaining, blaming, worrying, or looking for everything that's wrong, our brains will continue offering those thoughts automatically.

It's the path of least resistance.

It's familiar.

It's programmed.

It's autopilot.

And unless we notice it, we can simply believe whatever thought our brain hands us.

That's why awareness matters so much.

We have to catch ourselves.

Notice the thought.

Notice the blame.

Notice the complaint.

Notice when we're jumping into what I call the “river of misery” with everyone else.

And then pause.

What else could be true here?

What can I learn from this?

What part of this can I take responsibility for?

What could I do differently?

The circumstances don't always have to change

This may be one of the most empowering things we can remind ourselves of:

The things around us don't always have to change for us to create change in our lives.

Sometimes the change starts with the way we think about what's happening.

Sometimes it starts with a different choice.

Sometimes it starts with recognizing a pattern we've been repeating.

Sometimes it starts with simply noticing.

And that doesn't mean change is easy.

It means change is available.

Every day.

Your challenge this week

Pay attention to yourself this week.

Notice when you complain.

Notice when you blame.

Notice when you find yourself explaining why something can't be different because of something outside of you.

And instead of judging yourself for it, get curious.

Ask yourself:

What can I learn from this?

What part of this can I take responsibility for?

What could I do differently next time?

Or, if you're still in the middle of the situation:

What can I do right now to create a different experience?

You don't have to change everything.

You don't have to control everything.

You just have to notice where you have a choice.

Because that's where your power is.

And sometimes, the first step toward creating a different life is simply realizing that you have more control than you thought you did.