Worry Is a Waste of Time (So What Do We Do With It?)

Worry is a waste of time. Thank you, Captain Obvious, right?

We’ve probably all heard that before. And yet, even when we know worrying doesn’t help, it’s easy to get caught up in the what-ifs, imagining worst-case scenarios and replaying all the things that could go wrong.

The problem is that worry often makes us feel worse without actually changing anything. It creates anxiety, stress, and that uncomfortable pit in our stomach, but it doesn't magically protect the people we love or prevent something bad from happening.

So, if worrying doesn't help, what can we do instead?

In this week’s Tuesday Talks with Twila, I’m sharing a few ways I’ve learned to work with worry rather than letting it take over.

Turn worry into preparation

When I was a teenager, I remember worrying about what my boyfriend might be doing when he was out with friends. I eventually realized that no amount of worrying was going to change his choices. I was simply making myself miserable while he went about his evening.

That realization stuck with me.

Today, as a mom of boys who drive, spend time with friends, and head off to college, I still have things that can make me worry. But instead of allowing my mind to spiral, I try to turn that worry into something useful.

I ask myself: What's the worst that could happen, and how would I want to show up if it did?

I mentally rehearse how I would want to respond, what I would want to say, and how I could be the person I want to be in that moment.

When my youngest son had a moped accident and called to tell me he thought he'd broken his arm, I was able to respond calmly. I asked where he was and focused on getting to him. He needed my support, not my panic.

I believe that practicing how I want to respond in difficult situations has helped me show up with greater calm and strength when something unexpected happens.

The goal isn't to convince ourselves that nothing bad will ever happen. It's to prepare ourselves to handle difficult moments in a way we can feel good about.

Know when to stop the spiral

There is a difference between mentally preparing yourself and allowing your imagination to run wild.

Sometimes, when I ask myself what the worst-case scenario could be, my mind goes somewhere so dark that I recognize it isn't helping me. At that point, I choose to stop. I don't need to keep imagining every painful detail or put myself through an experience that isn't happening.

Instead, I can remind myself that I have support, that I can handle what comes my way, and that I don't need to keep entertaining that particular thought.

You can acknowledge that something is possible without spending your time mentally living through it.

When you notice your thoughts spiraling, pause and ask yourself whether you're preparing for something or simply making yourself feel worse.

That distinction matters.

Recognize that your thoughts are not your reality

Not all worry is about major life events. Sometimes, it's the everyday mental noise that gets to us.

Did I pay that bill? Did I forget something at work? Is there something I should have done at home? What am I missing?

We can spend an incredible amount of mental energy worrying about things that are manageable, fixable, or not nearly as consequential as our brains make them seem.

I've noticed that my body sometimes slips back into patterns from a very stressful job I used to have. I would wake up early in the morning feeling panicked, convinced I had forgotten something or missed a deadline.

Even after my circumstances changed, that familiar feeling sometimes returned.

My body seemed to remember the old stress, even when my current reality no longer supported it.

When that happens, I have to get curious. What's actually going on? Is there a real problem I need to address, or am I experiencing an old pattern?

Sometimes, reminding myself of the facts helps: Work is caught up. Nothing has been missed. I'm where I need to be.

But I also learned that trying to force the panic away wasn't particularly helpful. What made a difference was allowing myself to acknowledge what I was experiencing.

Sometimes, the answer is compassion

When I experienced that early-morning panic, I eventually stopped trying to push it away and started getting curious about it.

What did the feeling actually feel like in my body? Where was I experiencing it? What was happening physically?

I would notice the tightness in my stomach, the racing heart, the heat, and the nervousness. Instead of fighting those sensations, I reminded myself:

I'm feeling panic right now, and I'm okay.

I was safe in my bed, even though my body was reacting as if something were wrong. I didn't need to judge myself for feeling that way. I needed to acknowledge what was happening and offer myself some compassion.

That simple shift made a tremendous difference for me.

Rather than demanding that I stop feeling anxious, I allowed the feeling to be there while reminding myself that I was safe. I gave myself the reassurance and kindness I needed in that moment.

And here's something I love about this practice: You can learn to provide yourself with the support you need.

We often look to our partners, family members, or friends to comfort us. And there's nothing wrong with receiving support from other people. But they can't always know exactly what we need or provide it in precisely the way that feels right to us.

We know ourselves. We know what reassurance feels comforting, what words help, and what kind of support we need.

We can learn to offer that to ourselves.

Three ways to work with worry

The next time you notice yourself worrying, try one of these approaches.

1. Mentally rehearse how you want to respond.

If you're worried about a possible difficult situation, imagine how you would want to show up if it happened. Focus on your response, your behavior, and the person you want to be, rather than repeatedly imagining everything going wrong.

2. Get the thoughts out of your head.

Write down what you're worrying about. Putting your thoughts on paper can help you step back, look at them more objectively, and separate yourself from the emotional charge. You can then decide whether the thoughts deserve your attention or whether you're caught in an unproductive loop.

3. Acknowledge the feeling and offer yourself compassion.

If you feel anxious or panicked, notice what's happening in your body. Remind yourself that a feeling isn't necessarily evidence that something is wrong. If you're safe, give yourself permission to experience the feeling without fighting it. Offer yourself the reassurance and compassion you need.

Different situations may call for different approaches. The important thing is to find what helps you rather than automatically following the same cycle of worry.

You get to take back the reins

Worry can feel automatic. Sometimes, our thoughts seem to take over before we even realize what's happening.

But once we recognize the pattern, we have an opportunity to respond differently.

We can prepare instead of panic. We can question the stories our minds are telling us. We can acknowledge our feelings without allowing them to dictate our next move. And we can give ourselves the compassion we need along the way.

You don't have to let worry run the show.

The next time you catch yourself worrying, pause and ask yourself:

• Is this worry helping me prepare, or is it simply making me miserable?

• What do I actually know about this situation?

• How do I want to show up if something difficult happens?

• What do I need from myself right now?

You don't have to eliminate every worried thought to change your relationship with worry. You simply need to begin noticing what's happening and choose your next response.

You're allowed to feel worried without letting worry run your life. You can take back the reins. You've got this.