Navigating Grief During the Holidays

There's no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. Yet many of us question whether we're doing it wrong. 

What creates doubt for you? Other people's expectations? Timeline pressure? Intensity? Judgement or comparison? 

These are all measures against something external. But grief is internal and unique to each of us. Other people's thoughts are none of our business (my favorite saying). 

It might come from somewhere completely different than either of these... Notice if your judgement is perceived from thoughts about what your lost loved one would be thinking or expecting of you. 

I like to think that our lost loved ones are in a place where there's no negative emotion, no judgement, or opinions. In life, we have both positive and negative emotions. We can't feel good or know joy without the bad or sadness. The contrast is how we know and understand the difference. But, I like to think that the afterlife, heaven, whatever you believe in, is only all good. There is no contrast. I find this to be a very soothing thought to think. And I love to imagine this glorious place for my lost loved one and waiting for me someday.

All this being said, the Holidays can increase the challenges of navigating grief. The Holiday is often painted with joy, togetherness, and celebration. But when you're grieving, a recent loss of years later (because there is no timeline here), this can be a very painful time. Expectations all around are to be happy and enjoy the season. While you might be crumbling inside. 

What do you do with that? What do you do with all the sadness and pain? 

Grief calls you to turn inward, slow down, reflect, have compassion. 

The Holidays pull you outward - to gather, celebrate, smile, prepare, perform. 

This creates conflict that leaves you feeling isolation, emotional dissonance, pressured, reactive. 

This conflict is all internal and we can feel like those around us don't understand. And here's the thing, the journey is unique to us - it's not for them to understand. 

What do you do when this internal conflict or emotional dissonance happens? Are you talking to anyone? Are you prioritizing self-care? Are you buffering over your emotions with food or alcohol? Are you telling yourself you'll deal with it after the Holidays? 

The reality is that after you avoid, suppress, or ignore these emotions, you're not likely to come back to them after the Holidays. 

We often think that doing this work now will suck us into a place of constant sorrow that we won't be able to move out of. Instead we focus our energy on avoiding and suppressing, because the grief doesn't go away. When we take the time to allow the grief, it takes a lot less energy. 

Here's a 4 step framework that can help you move through any difficult season of guilt.

GIFT

G - Grieve Your Loss:  Every expression of grief is valid. There is no right way or wrong way. 

I - Invitation to Choose What Supports You: Give yourself permission to choose what actually feels supporting, not what you "should" do. 

F - Freedom to Cancel: You are allowed to do the Holidays differently this year. This doesn't mean you'll never do the thing again, it just means you can't this year. 

T - Trust Your Choices: Trust what you need, even if others don't understand. Honor what your heart knows is true for you, instead of fulfilling other's expectations. 

 Knowing and Understanding that grief can intensify during the Holidays and having tools to help you navigate, can be the difference between overwhelm and emotional roller coasters and self-compassion, clarity, and peace.